SORRY, I'M NOT APOLOGIZING

My Bad, I Am

By Kristen Di Gennaro

A slang-savvy reader inquired about the old-school term “my bad,” which, the reader writes, “has crept into usage without resistance or invitation.”

Readers from generations Alpha to X (even Boomers and beyond) will recognize the phrase “my bad” as an apology. Linguist Ben Zimmer calls it an athletic mea culpa, originally used among basketball players, most notably the late NBA player Manute Bol. Observers noted that when Bol threw a bad pass, he’d say, “my bad” instead of “my fault.”

Apologies allow speakers to express remorse and take responsibility for causing some sort of harm. Apologies can be direct or indirect: “I apologize” is a direct apology, while “Oops!” and “I seem to have misplaced your book” are indirect yet still express regret and responsibility.

Most of us probably think of “sorry” as an apology, as in, “I’m sorry I made a bad pass.” Note, however, that we also use “sorry” to express regret for something we couldn’t have caused, as in “I’m sorry you missed that shot.” This meaning of “sorry” as regret without responsibility has even been standardized in automated responses such as, “We’re sorry, but your call cannot be completed as dialed.”

Sometimes “sorry” doesn’t even express regret. In such cases, “sorry” makes an utterance more polite. “Sorry, is that your bag?” is a polite request for someone to move their bag. And “Sorry, that’s not what I saw,” could be an accusation that someone is lying.

These and other everyday uses of “sorry” show how often it’s not used as an apology. Unfortunately, many people fail to acknowledge the word’s flexibility, leading to misconceptions that some people over-apologize.

Several years ago, the haircare company Pantene ran an ad asking, “Why are women always apologizing?” followed by scenes of women using “sorry” in various contexts, including raising a question, entering someone’s office, and handing a toddler to another parent. The ad then tells viewers, “Don’t be sorry” and “be strong and shine,” before playing alternative versions of the previous scenes without “sorry,” or with “sorry, not sorry” instead. The ad’s suggestion that women need to stop apologizing illustrates the mistaken assumption that “sorry” is equated with an apology.

To test whether “sorry” is intended as an apology, try replacing “sorry” with “my bad,” as in, “My bad, I have a question.”

In most, if not all, situations depicted in the ad, “my bad” does not work because “sorry” in these cases is not expressing remorse or responsibility. Maybe we need an ad campaign encouraging basketball players to stop apologizing.

Or instead of telling women how to talk, people could notice how versatile “sorry” is. An alternative ad could suggest that if you’re not already using “sorry” to be more polite, then maybe you should start.

What other phrases do we use to soften our requests and accusations? Email your observations or questions on any language matter to Kristen di Gennaro, your local linguist, at languagematters@mattersmagazine.com.

---

Kristen di Gennaro is an associate professor of English at Pace University, where she teaches courses in linguistics. She lives in Maplewood and sometimes gathers language data during her commute on the train.